Thursday, April 15, 2010


It's not quite like falling face first, open-mouthed onto a veggie wrap, but it's relatively close. See, I ordered the wrap and forgot to say, "Add chicken." Well, more like "Add chicken because I am a carnivorous dinosaur who sees no point to a life without the type of protein that gives your teeth a good workout."

Either way, I had a wrap stuffed with lovely field greens, sliced cucumber, seriously thin slivers of avocado (How did they do that, and more importantly, WHY would they jack with the integrity of the avocado wedge?), chopped tomato, and balsamic vinegar, served with a side of chips and salsa.

So, what did I do? I ATE IT.

And I did it suspiciously.  Like Horatio from CSI Miami with the sunglasses.  I squinted at the wrap, cocked my head to one side and fully appraised it.  "You call yourself food?" I wanted to ask. "You think you're all that, huh? Sitting there all neat and tidy with your toothpick and cut at an angle like it makes you look more fashionable."  My husband offered me some of his chicken.  "No," I said. "This is fine."  I even left a little of the wrap on the plate, just to show who's in charge here. 

And now? I'm kinda hungry. Sorta. I mean. I'm not sure if I'm hungry-hungry or just Iwasrobbedhungry. 
And I kind of want revenge now. I know that's crazy, because I truly don't know who I want revenge against. The wrap itself? The waitress in the plaid schoolgirl skirt who had a face like a bunny rabbit? I'm not sure. Nor am I sure of how I would even exact my revenge.  I have scenarios, sure. But you have no idea how my mind works, so I'll spare you the film shorts. 

I DID have an emergency piece of dark chocolate. It's considered emergency because 1.) I have a sweet tooth and a morsel of chocolate is much more hip-friendly than a chocolate brownie sundae. (Why sunDAE? Who did that? Did they need to word to look more Latin and Sunday didn't cut it?) 2.) Emergency chocolate because I put it high on the shelf behind me hidden in my "YOU MAY ALL GO TO HELL AND I WILL GO TO TEXAS" mug. If I'm hiding stuff from people, it's a happy little surprise. If I'm hiding it from myself, it's from the devil.

You know, I think I'm starting to soften towards the offensive wrap now. I'm not starving. I don't feel sick. There are lots of people out there who eat like this all the time, right? Vegans? Vegetarians? Meat haters? What do we call them these days?
I can do this. I can eat a veggie wrap for lunch.

I'll just have a steak for dinner . . .